Behind vs In front

I just helped my mum make chilli for dinner at my uncle's house later, and let her mash up the chilli and garlic towards the end because I felt very sorry for them =( Imagine yourself being in the mixer with the knives slashing you up over and over again...*shudder*

Yeah I'm weird that way; I always think of such stuff and am of the view that everything has feelings =P

As I was cleaning up (since from helping my Mum make chilli, I ended up letting her do it, so I thought I'd help her by cleaning up instead), I realised that I am quite good at such behind-the-scenes work, and am quite content to remain like that, but at the same time, it's precisely such work that goes unrecognised.

Despite all the background harp about how the unsung heroes enable us to live in a cleaner environment and free us up to do greater things, the fact is that they still remain unsung heroes. Tell me - do you think to yourself how noble toilet cleaners are every day? Do you thank them everytime you see them? (I used to greet them in PL; was influenced by Sheryl Loke =P) Do you smile or nod at them to acknowledge their presence? And even if you do, does that make their position in society any higher?

I've struggled with such an issue almost all my life - at least from the time I could start thinking for myself. I enjoy getting attention, but I shy away when I get it. I clam up and feel awkward, and start wishing that the ground would open up so that I can fall inside and hide from the rest of the world. Yet when I am left in the cold, I would hope to catch the crowd's eye; a cursory glance would never be sufficient. If that was all I got or even nothing, I would feel sad and think that everyone hates me.

Thus, is part of the reason why I can never "tell good stories", choosing to give summaries instead (actually giving summaries verbally just happens. I don't even have to think) of spending a good long time going on and on about something that happened to me, remembering to put in all the juicy bits. I genuinely prefer to listen to others talk, but after that, I'd wonder why I can't do that well. This is also why I've never been a leader - the chances that I got saw me in supporting positions. To put it nicely, I was a "supportive and considerate leader". To put it bluntly, I was a failure who had to ask for others' opinions almost all the time. Every time I tried to make a decision, I would start wondering if anyone would be inconvenienced or displeased by it. Which of course, good leaders ignore. They choose what they think is the best for everyone, and leave those who disagree to slowly adjust and finally realise the wisdom of their choice.

As my graduation is nearing, I know it's time for me to change. Much as I am content with working behind the scenes, that kind of job will never earn me the recognition that would satisfy despite others' occasional praises. I want to be able to do something that would lead others to think of me immediately. I don't want to be the last person mentioned in anything.

I don't mind doing such work occasionally though. (haha what a contradiction =P)