Insightful.

I think I started to feel like this after going through my baby photos this morning. (Honestly, I was going through them to see what I had shown Anna last Monday when she had come to my house...okay. Partly also because I had wanted to admire my cuteness. Hahaha)

Then I saw the happy faces of my parents and relatives while they were carrying me, and I suddenly felt very bad. It’s like, they were probably thinking: Sh is such an adorable baby (really, ok!! :P )! Hopefully she will grow up to be a guai and useful person. And now…I am painfully shy, anti-social, withdraws into my room when my relatives come, rude to my parents occasionally, etc. That means I am not the sort who talks much to my relatives. Even if I want to show my concern, I don’t dare. How pathetic is that? Very…

The perfect example of my rudeness is that of this morning. My mother had bought some kueh from me from my favourite stall (it’s not really a stall; it’s more like a makeshift stall set up by an old auntie. It’s actually illegal). You know, it’s me. I have been trying to watch my diet since goodness-knows-when, so, when I said I didn’t want the kueh, and she said, “But I bought THREE!”, I said rudely, “Next time, don’t buy my share!” and left the room. Immediately after I had said that, I regretted it, but I didn’t say anything.

I guess God really works in special ways. I wouldn’t have gotten the impulse to look through my baby photos for nothing…and that was why I had stepped out of my house late today (was supposed to meet Anna at the Central Library bus-stop to collect our payment for the Psych experiment – the heart rate and blood pressure one that I had mentioned in one of my earlier posts – together). But guess what? I reached NUS ten plus minutes before our stipulated meeting time! Praise the Lord =)

Oh well. That kind of feeling was increased after looking through Anna’s baby photos while at her house (only fair, right? Haha). Well, to end the story, I apologized to my mother tonight when I got home. We had talked about my unhealthy diet earlier on, so her reply was that it was okay, and I ought to eat properly and not so little or skip meals so often.

See how I hurt the ones who love me. I ought to repent. :P I have been rude to my mother on other occasions too, and I really want to apologise, but for face’s sake…guess I won’t do it now. Haha. But I will try to be more filial and so on.

Anyway, I also got to talk to Mole over the phone just now. Actually, I had felt very bad that we haven’t talked to each other properly for so long; we do meet each other in church almost every Sunday, but how to talk during service? And after that, it’s either cell group, bible study or we’ll chiong home. I felt like I had neglected Mole for so long that (really) I was thinking about it throughout my whole trip in Malaysia. Thanks for calling today Mole! Had a great conversation about crap and some other heartfelt stuff. =) I feel so happy now because I got to have such a nice time with my friends today (I managed to have a depression-free mood today so I had tension-free conversations with Anna while at her house today haha)!

I don’t know why I am feeling as if today is my last day on Earth. Guess my health report had a little to do with that. Just a little. Haha. I can’t believe I also felt touched when Mum and Dao reassured me that my high total cholesterol was okay because my HDL and LDL were within the healthy range when I showed them my health report (I could go for a free health screening thanks to that Psych experiment).

I also want to thank Lester very much for his encouragement, even though he won’t see this. Haha.

And also, thanks Fool! For listening to me too. That day =)

Anyway, to the person whom I hope reads this, sometimes keeping in contact can be difficult, but if I try my best, I do hope the recipient appreciates my effort. If not, then I guess she is not interested. Being a person who gets discouraged very easily, I will give up. In this particular case, I know I was at fault too, but she could at least have showed some basic courtesy. Never mind. Haha.

I feel like this now:

Live each day as if it were your last, without decadence.

Yup I think not being self-indulgent is important. Lots of people are so self-centred nowadays that thinking for people is considered as stupid.

Perhaps I ought to be more optimistic. And open. Actually, I discovered that sharing my sadness makes me feel better. And it does not always make me feel awkward.

To tell the truth, I think I am also feeling this way after reading the book that Fool gave me for my birthday this year. Thanks =) I am not done with it yet! Shall lend it to you after I have finished it! =)